It’s been awhile

Posted: January 4, 2016 in Wistful thinking

Since I last blogged on here. I’ve been putting my sporadic thoughts on Twitter and Facebook.

Tonight I was unsure what to do with myself. This is not normally a problem and I find things to fill my hours away from others. My home is my bat cave. I snuggle it around myself and draw on the walls like the Neanderthals did.

The last four days have been a holiday of sorts as I’ve not needed to go to work but I didn’t really do anything with them. I shopped, read a couple of books, watched some tv, drank coffee, caught up on my sleep, did some housework and watched the rain fall. So nothing much at all. It was well needed time to relax and recharge. I’ve finally stopped feeling sleepy around 6:30pm and not fallen asleep in front of the tv. What would other people do with four days off? From my Facebook/Twitter feeds some of the same and lots of different things.

I’ve decided to ask more questions. Do you want to exercise today? Do you want to connect with someone today? Do you want to lie in bed for another 5 minutes? Would you like to meditate now? Will I call a friend for coffee today? Will I embrace being alive today and do something that scares me? Should I say no to working late tonight? How about a walk around the waterfront? One more coffee?

Questions leave you with options. Statements are closed. I like questions ūüôā

New hair

My favourite t-shirt quote: “Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman”

Reflections on Solitude

Posted: April 26, 2014 in Humour
Tags: , ,

I’ve always been someone who is happy with their own company. Sometimes I crave the silence of my own thoughts after an especially people centric day. In my job I have to deal with a lot of needy people who demand my time and attention.

I often joke with a colleague that my dream job is a role with no people management. As I work in a corporate environment that is a pipe dream as the higher up the career ladder I climb the more people you end up collecting.

But when does being by yourself become an excuse, a crutch if you will, to wilfully not connect with others?

I was in a room full of people last night and I made myself less interesting by being on outskirts. I could say that I’m an introvert and found it difficult to interact but these were people that were all known to me so no awkward barriers to overcome. I found myself becoming distant and disconnected as the night wore on.

I could have made different choices and not been alone last night. I even flirted with saying yes, stay and connect with me, instead I called the taxi for him.

I think too much now. Of consequences. Of perceptions. I used to be more flexible, more impulsive. I would think “ah, f**k it, you should only regret things you’ve done” and just do it.

I need to find that flexibility again, to say yes more than no. To reconnect with people and make less time for me and more time for others. You can have too much “me time”. At least i haven’t started talking to myself yet…

Small hills

Posted: January 1, 2014 in Goals, Running
Tags: , , , ,

Today I slept in as I couldn’t go to sleep last night. I had a quiet night at home, with a glass or two of raspberry and vanilla cider. My companions were 007 and a bad guy wanting to be a good guy movie. An average Tuesday night really. Except this Tuesday night was New Year’s Eve. Most would be out celebrating the new year with tipple’s and kisses amongst other tiddly, cuddly people.

NYE has lost its appeal for me. I’m one of those corporate Friday night frolicker’s and NYE is pretty much like any other Friday night, except with cover charges and queues.

I do like to socialise from time to time but have found that I much prefer a few drinks with a select few than a lot of drinks with random strangers.

My hearing is going I think. As I strain to hear what it is that people are saying to me in a smokey, crowded bar I often just smile and nod, or find myself saying pardon one time to many. I even start making up the conversation in my head, I’m sure its more interesting sometimes.

All of these observations lead me to think that I’m getting on in years. Except yesterday, as I was buying my raspberry and vanilla cider (at the supermarket) I was asked if I was over 25. Of course I said yes, and thanked the lovely girl who asked me as it boosted my ego quite nicely.

I think it even gave me a new determination to finally start something that will always be started tomorrow, where tomorrow never comes. Today came and I put on the exercise gear that I bought recently and started up Day 1 of what will become a three times a week habit. I paid for my ticket for the Round The Bays 6.5 km fun run/walk in February and have 8 weeks to train for it.

I’ve walked the RTBs before several times, always walking and never under an hour. This year I plan to jog/walk it and be well under an hour.

Someone once told me that a hill is just the flat on a lean. I see many small hills in my future but I will put one foot in front of the other and lean in.

I’ve been on holiday now for 9 days out of my 31 holiday days. I gleefully tell people that I am having “a month off”. I was more excited by those 3 little words than Christmas.

Christmas has become less important to me as I’ve got older.

I’m not religious so the birth of Christ and going to Mass not on my top 5 things to do come the 25th.

My family is scattered across a couple of countries so all of us getting together is not possible every year. As I’m the childless spinster aunt I choose who I’ll spend the festive season with. This year I spent it with the family I chose (rather than my actual relatives). People I’ve been friends with for over 20 years. One of the most long-term relationships I’ve had. I love seeing the excited faces of their kids (my honorary nephews) when they look at the pile of presents and open the ones for them. These nephews are very fortunate in that they have 4 sets of grandparents who love them and so there was a lot of love under the tree.

Christmas to me is about spending time with the people you love, eating yummy food and nana naps. Getting up at 5:31am so that I can watch the happy squeals of delight at what Santa brought to the boys. Knowing that I contributed in some small way to their happy morning of toy building. Then escaping before the inevitable post-xmas crash.

I’m enjoying my xmas present to me. 31 days off. In a row.

It’s been a long, hard, stressful year. Filled with two restructures, one awful, one only bad. An overseas holiday to Norfolk Island filled with massages and relaxing. A diabolical work project that just keeps on giving back (and not in a good way). A year in my apartment, with wallpaper, paint and curtains to make it look pretty. Two cocktail parties, one that is still talked about 3 months later with smiles and “remember when…”, one that I hosted while really ill but we had to celebrate 5 year’s of cancer free for Megan, because. A death in the family. A celebration of a life of 40 years. A change in lifestyle to cope with a sucky diagnosis with more changes to come. Earthquakes and awesome sale shopping. My closest friends living in the same city as me for the first time in over 10 years.

All in all a mixed bag of, well life actually. Lots of good mixed in with the bad.

2014 will be another interesting year and I hope, not like the Chinese curse. There is lots to look forward too. A trip to Rarotonga to celebrate a couple of friends 10th wedding anniversary in April, jogging in the Round the Bays in February, more decorating of my bachelorette pad, work challenges for another busy year, planning my 40th birthday bash in Las Vegas in 2015, shoe shopping and maybe making new friends, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

The best bit is that there are 22 more days of holiday to come.

Yesterday I finally had my beautiful wallpaper hung in my kitchen.  It is gorgeous, all blue, pink, green, silver, with peacocks and flowers.  Just looking at it makes me happy.

Definitely one of the perks of home ownership.

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After much searching and deliberating I chose the wallpaper of my dreams for my kitchen feature wall.  Its pretty, floral, grey/blue/pink and will make a statement.

I don’t know how to wallpaper (even if it is paste the wall) and although that sounds simple I’m just not sure that I want to risk doing it myself and having it look like crap.

That had me thinking about risk taking in general.¬† I mean I’ve done HBDI and am very dominant in the creative/risk taker/intuitive/big picture quadrant so trying new things should be easy to do, right?

When it comes to making decisions that have a personal impact I find that I’m an over thinker/ditherer/waffler/narrow focussed/can’t get an outcome kinda person.

I wonder why that is and how can I change me.

I think I would be happier being the one in charge, making the decisions and running with them, instead of stuttering to a halt half way through.¬† The amount of things that I start and don’t finish is embarrassingly long.

Like running.

By the time I was half way through I was actually enjoying it, relunctantly and in spite of myself, and there was enjoyment in the results if not the actual doing of it.¬† I constantly think I should take it up again as I need to get more exercise into my life but then the ditherer moves in and it becomes one of those “tomorrow” tasks.

How do you stop being a “tomorrow” person and become a “today” person?

or will be in a few more weeks when I start paying the mortgage.

Those 5 words do bring a warm glow to my heart.  I set myself a goal this year to buy a dwelling and after only 5 months achieved set goal without too much kerfuffle.  I did grow weary and bored with the whole process and had a few false starts but now its all downhill to happy home ownership.

After reading a lovely little article on Stuff about how apartments dwellers in central Wellington are doomed as their insurance levys just keep rising I still have a warm glow.¬† The very sturdy building that I will be¬†living in has stood up for the last 80 years I’m sure will stand for a lot longer.

I’m looking forward to the 2 minute commute to work, the luxury of painting over the beige walls, being able to hammer in a nail in the wall to hang up my artworks and not having to worry about landlord inspections anymore.

I’ve found myself even more obsessed with cushions lately, a positive sign right?

I’ve completed¬†3 weeks of the 9 week programme and I can now jog/shuffle for 3 minutes at a time.¬† Go me, awkwardly¬†patting myself on the back.¬† Sports bra in place, timer on mobile phone ticking down and ignoring sweat dripping down my face while breathing in and out quite hard and a lot.¬† This is not for amateurs, no wait that is exactly what I am, an amateur jogger, as what’s taken others only 3 weeks has taken me nearly 7 weeks to accomplish.

I realised that my base fitness was pretty low when I started this and soldiered on regardless but now I realise that it’s not¬†only my base fitness but my mental strength is low.¬† Let’s face it jogging is not going to kill me if I keep on jogging for a little bit longer.¬† I like the results it’s giving me (compliments from work colleagues on how much weight I’ve lost, ability to walk up stairs without turning red in the face, pants not so tight) but that initial “get out of bed you must, or late you will be” sound of my alarm tone (love me some Yoda) is getting harder to obey.

I mean I wake up when the birds do as they are quite loud and raucous outside my window but then I see the time and roll over again.¬† I know what I should do is just get out of bed and go do this mad thing of running around outside and that’s when the mental strength comes in or lack thereof.

How do you squash the little voice inside that’s says “roll over and sleep you go back too”?

I guess I’ll find out when I get up and do the¬†mad thing of running again tomorrow.

Today I took the quite courageous step and decided to enter the world of cardio exercise.¬† This is a BIG THING for me as I’m a¬†curvy woman in her mid 30s¬†who is far more comfortable watching¬†a famous exercise/dramatic weight loss tv programme¬†while eating a chocolate biscuit and adjusting my blanky¬†than actually doing what is being acted out on screen.¬† I’ve always thought that the people on that show could’ve done better and cheered on their intense trainers for making them do the work.

Tonight, I have a whole new understanding of their pain.  Tonight a friend and I started the journey to be able to run for 3o minutes without stopping.  It seems like a fantastic goal and being able to achieve it will feel amazing.  The journey starts with small steps so tonight we started the first week of a planned nine.

Exercise for 20 minutes straight by alternating jogging for 60 seconds then walking for 90 seconds and repeating 7 more times.¬† 60 seconds isn’t really a long time, except when you’re queueing for the bathroom and there are 5 girls ahead of you after you’ve had 4 beers, or when you’re waiting for the bus and its raining, or you’re trying to hold a cough in while finishing a presentation, or you are running along a street thinking that surely its been 60 seconds by now but when you look its only been 32 seconds and you’ve still got another 28 to go before you can start walking and breathing loudly.

After we finished the 20 minutes I felt quite proud of myself seeing as the most exercise I’ve had recently was running for 50 metres to catch a bus while lugging my shopping on Friday night.¬† I managed not to skittle anyone and get on the bus so it was a win but obviously not the best warm up.¬† Admittedly I did miss one of the running minutes but I kept on walking so still completed 20 minutes non stop – go me!

Next step is to get up at 6am on Wednesday and do it all over again, after I find myself a decent sports bra – there was quite a lot of movement in the upper carriage ūüėČ

Now that we are in the second half of the year and only 4 months until Christmas (wow that really isn’t far away) I’ve kept up the travelling every month theme going on.

July – weekend trip up to Napier to see… brothers.¬† My eldest brother was over with his boyfriend so we went out for dinner and then lunch with my other older brother and his wife and daughter, before being whisked over to the¬†farm to see my other brother and his family to read stories to one of my nieces.¬† Phew intense family weekend!

August – day trip up to Auckland for work made a little more exciting as it was the day after Mt Tongariro decided to erupt.¬† Luckily the flights weren’t affected where I needed to go!¬† At the end of the month I have a 6th birthday party to attend in Dannevirke.

September to December¬†doesn’t have anything planned yet but have been talking about a cruise around the pacific islands¬†in February to celebrate a friend’s 40th birthday.

The way that my house hunting has been going lately its very tempting to start planning another trip to Europe, especially with a¬†bunch of my friends/colleagues heading over on 3 month trips for Olympics/road trips¬†and I’m stuck in Wellington.

I really hope that the harder it is to do something the more worthwhile the end result is is actually true.